Do you know what it feels like to be over 300 pounds? I do. Yep, was up to 309lbs at one point in my life, some years ago. Over the course of what feels like a lifetime, I no longer weigh that, and for that I’m grateful.

Question number two. Do you know what it feels like to be 160 pounds, but still feel like 300 pounds? Yep, I do. It’s what you see in the mirror. The smaller body is there, and yet, the feeling is that you’re still larger. The weight loss is real, but the feeling of being heavier is very real also.

I’m a nurse. I lost weight not just to look better, but to feel better and be healthier. I wanted to be a role model to my patients. I didn’t want to be an obese nurse telling my patients to change their diet and exercise. I wanted to walk the walk, talk the talk, etc. So that was my motivation to lose weight and put my health a priority. It’s worked. I’m healthier and stronger now, I can hike farther, I can lift more weight, I go to the gym a couple of times a week. (Yes, I still hate it, but I go). But the body dysmorphia still exists. I look in the mirror and see someone larger than I am. I am aware of it, but it’s hard. There’s a lot of loose skin, from the weight loss, that makes me look larger as well. That’s frustrating.

So I’ve made the decision to get plastic surgery. Skin removed from my arms, my abdomen and thighs. It’s costly, since insurance doesn’t pay for it. I’m essentially going to be having another house payment over the next five years. But it will be worth it, I have faith, to quiet down the negative voices in my head about how large I am. Because I’m not that huge person anymore. I don’t even recognize those pictures of me at this point, but I still feel I’m that person. It’s a very strange place to be in my mind.

Vanity of course plays into it. I don’t consider myself a vain person, but yeah, I guess partly I am. I don’t like to not look somewhat good at least. I love my nail polish. I love my lashes. I wish my hair was longer and thicker. Vanity exists. So that is a part of this, I’m sure. But primarily, I want to feel the size that I currently am. I want to see that in the mirror, rather than the gal I used to be. Where I work now there are only two people who remember me when I was much larger. They both tell me I look good now. My family tells me the same. This is so I can tell me the same thing.

I don’t update my blog often, but I will post about the post-op journey once I’ve had the surgery, for anyone who’s interested. It will be for me, to acknowledge what I’ve done for myself, and to encourage myself as I get better.

Here’s to hoping the body dysmorphia makes it’s disappearance in the near future!!