mental-health

Post-surgery, week 2

Posted on by kismac

So, I’m now almost two weeks post skin removal surgery, from arms, abdomen and thighs. Things I’ve learned during this time:

  1. Never do surgery on three freaking body parts at the same time! So I have an unreasonable fear of anesthesia and asked if all this could be done at the same time. My surgeon said yeah sure, people do it all the time. Well, I have no idea WHY!! More body parts all hurting at the same time, oh joy! My arms are sore. My legs are sore. My abdomen, I greatfully can feel nothing, thanks to the Experel pain block he used. I’m to the point where a gram of Tylenol once or twice a day is holding my pain under control, but I’m looking forward to the point where even that isn’t needed. Which may not be too soon, because….
  2. There is absolutely NOTHING comfortable about wearing compression garments! Compression sleeves on my arms are making my forearms look like Popeyes, with all the fluids shifting. Compression shorts, which don’t cover my knees so I also have to wear compression stockings (but NO, I will never wear the thigh high ted hose again!) And an abdominal binder on top of all this. A friend of mine from work said she wore her abdominal binder for a YEAR after she had a tummy tuck done, because it gave her such support. At the time I thought oh wow, ok, cool. Now? HELL NO!! This compression stuff can’t come off soon enough! Six weeks is required. Six weeks and one day, they’re off!
  3. What post op complications you can get, I have gotten! My drain when in was either displaced or blocked, so it was leaking around it, instead of draining appropriately. Once the drain came out, a bunch of serous fluid came pouring out, to the point where the office nurse said, OK, well that’s gross. Yes, thank you, I’m gross! Since the drain came out, I’ve developed a seroma which had to be drained (rather surreal seeing a large needle poked into my lower abdomen to drain the fluid pocket and I could feel none of it). Also I’m on an antibiotic right now for possible cellulitis of one of my arm incisions, which got pink and warm. I’ll hand it to my doctor, at least he’s very proactive about treating all possible issues.
  4. I still can’t take a bath, for six weeks. Showers only. I can’t wait to lie down and relax in a bubble bath!

Do I regret the surgery? No, absolutely not. I’m already excited about the effect noted on my arm circumference and my waist and tummy. I have a flat abdomen at this point, which is what I’ve earned through hard work, and would not have seen otherwise because of the skin leftover. He says they removed about 6 pounds of skin from the abdomen and arms, which seems significant (only liposuctioned the thighs and knees). I’m not noticing changes in weight or size of clothing right now, because I haven’t been on a scale recently and am mostly wearing pajamas and jogger pants with t-shirts, but already my scrubs had been getting too large, so at the very least I’ll have to buy new work clothes.

Do I think that the surgery is having a positive effect on the body dysmorphia? Oh yeah, absolutely. Like I said, I’m already impressed with the impact on my abdomen and arms. I feel like I look somewhat smaller, and feel smaller in the clothes I’m wearing.

What am I looking forward to? I’m looking forward to having some energy again, and to be able to move around without discomfort. The end of this week I can go back to the gym, to only go on the treadmill at a flat rate (i had been at a 15% incline doing 20 minutes before, but now I am starting from scratch again!) I’m getting back together with my two new nurses I’m mentoring this week, and slowly getting back into doing normal life things like car maintainence and shopping.

Will check back in here in another few weeks when hopefully nothing is going wrong! And hopefully I’ll have my energy back and be back more to my normal self.

Body dysmorphia

Posted on by kismac

Do you know what it feels like to be over 300 pounds? I do. Yep, was up to 309lbs at one point in my life, some years ago. Over the course of what feels like a lifetime, I no longer weigh that, and for that I’m grateful.

Question number two. Do you know what it feels like to be 160 pounds, but still feel like 300 pounds? Yep, I do. It’s what you see in the mirror. The smaller body is there, and yet, the feeling is that you’re still larger. The weight loss is real, but the feeling of being heavier is very real also.

I’m a nurse. I lost weight not just to look better, but to feel better and be healthier. I wanted to be a role model to my patients. I didn’t want to be an obese nurse telling my patients to change their diet and exercise. I wanted to walk the walk, talk the talk, etc. So that was my motivation to lose weight and put my health a priority. It’s worked. I’m healthier and stronger now, I can hike farther, I can lift more weight, I go to the gym a couple of times a week. (Yes, I still hate it, but I go). But the body dysmorphia still exists. I look in the mirror and see someone larger than I am. I am aware of it, but it’s hard. There’s a lot of loose skin, from the weight loss, that makes me look larger as well. That’s frustrating.

So I’ve made the decision to get plastic surgery. Skin removed from my arms, my abdomen and thighs. It’s costly, since insurance doesn’t pay for it. I’m essentially going to be having another house payment over the next five years. But it will be worth it, I have faith, to quiet down the negative voices in my head about how large I am. Because I’m not that huge person anymore. I don’t even recognize those pictures of me at this point, but I still feel I’m that person. It’s a very strange place to be in my mind.

Vanity of course plays into it. I don’t consider myself a vain person, but yeah, I guess partly I am. I don’t like to not look somewhat good at least. I love my nail polish. I love my lashes. I wish my hair was longer and thicker. Vanity exists. So that is a part of this, I’m sure. But primarily, I want to feel the size that I currently am. I want to see that in the mirror, rather than the gal I used to be. Where I work now there are only two people who remember me when I was much larger. They both tell me I look good now. My family tells me the same. This is so I can tell me the same thing.

I don’t update my blog often, but I will post about the post-op journey once I’ve had the surgery, for anyone who’s interested. It will be for me, to acknowledge what I’ve done for myself, and to encourage myself as I get better.

Here’s to hoping the body dysmorphia makes it’s disappearance in the near future!!