Eat this, drink that

(Ironically, I originally posted this on my former blog site exactly a year ago today; and yet, somehow I’m doing this again, and feeling the same way about it again!)

Dear Detox….I may be breaking up with you.

Yep, I fell prey to myself and decided on a 30-day detox/cleanse for the new year in the month of January. The same detox/cleanse I did for 30 days last year, and made it through the last 2 weeks by dreaming of my menu on day 1 post-detox. The menu changed multiple times in my fantasies, but generally, always rivaled the culinary tastes of your average 12-year old, with the addition of alcohol. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Spaghetti. Ice cream. Yep, your basic childhood day in modern America.

What is this fascist detox regime, you may ask? Well, it’s all very simple, and it all promotes “healthy” living eating “real” and “natural” foods (but, keep in mind, only SOME real and natural foods! :) ) It seeks to eliminate things that we generally know are not healthy for us (such as alcohol and sugar), but also detoxifies the system from foods with high allergen properties, such as gluten and dairy. So what are the do’s and dont’s?

No sugar. No alcohol. No dairy. No gluten. No soy. No vinegar (other than apple cider vinegar). No coffee/soda. No annoying persons or small children that you may wish to gut like a fish because you are walking around in a 30-day PMS mode. Generally only low-glycemic fruits, such as green apples and berries. Decreased red meat intake. 2 protein shakes a day (made with vegan, pea-protein powder). Vitamins. Drink like a fish (water and herbal teas, of course!) Exercise the body (and the brain, trying to figure out how to make a large onion/olive/tomato pizza with extra cheese fit into this plan). Make sure you sleep plenty (because of the depression that sets in when you realize what you can and can’t eat). Feel remarkably better as all of these things that you probably aren’t allergic or even sensitive to leave your body :) Repeat as desired (or if you are just stupid, like myself).

Now, I know to some people, this whole meal plan may sound like a day in the life. Yeah, bravo to you and here’s a big razzberry to boot. It ain’t no day in MY life! I confess; I love yogurt. I love cheese. Enough to accept a ring if one were to propose. And dangit, I LIKE my gluten! Gluten allegedly is a bad guy, that causes normal, non-celiac people (I do have sympathy for celiac persons who have no choice but eat this way) to bloat and have difficulties with digestion. But really, isn’t it just in the point of view? Being a silver-lining kind of gal, I choose to believe that gluten is my friend, who kindly challenges my body to work itself heartily!

Let’s have a word about protein shakes. They are great, great meal substitutes for me, who has a tendency to not take in enough protein, because I have an easier time drinking nutrition than eating (despite my Rubenesque  physique, I really don’t eat such a great deal!) The products I use, they are easily digestible protein, which I appreciate. However, I also add to the shake….fiber powder, to fill me up more…pre and pro-biotics….and this ungodly green powder stuff that is supposed to be all of the miraculous, mysterious superfoods in the world concentrated into grass-smelling unnaturally green….STUFF. It allegedly has no taste. Well….I can say that I’m 25 and weigh 115 pounds at 5’8″, and I would be “alleging” that….yep, basically anything “allegedly” is not necessarily true. It has a taste. It tastes like bunny ass, or what I would assume those little greenish brown poops that bunnies make would taste like. So you throw it into your protein shake, thinking whatever other flavors you add will cover it up. But they don’t. And it turns the shake green. Vividly green. It doesn’t matter if I use the vanilla protein powder, or the chocolate; my shake ends up green. Now, I have a theory here; humans are not meant to drink green. Eat it, fine, I love my salads, I love my broccoli, I am learning to have some better appreciation for spinach and kale. But, green is meant to be chewed, not drunk. Unless it comes over ice or blended with salt on the rim of the glass, we are not meant to drink green. Just my theory, but I bet if I proposed it as a research project, I could find funding somewhere.

So I talk to people who have also done this detox, multiple times, and I think I’m an aberrency. These people talk about how great it makes them feel, that within the first week they can feel so much cleaner, they can feel the impact on their body, they sleep better, they have more energy. Yadda yadda. Let’s see; I started week 1 with a cold. I’m partly through week 2; still have the cold. No improved sleep. No great energy. I am not running around like Superman, Ironman, WonderWoman, etc, saving the world, winning Nobel prizes, and knitting new countries in my spare time. I’m working my usual 48-60 hours a week, keeping my house clean, taking care of my pets, paying my bills, trying to keep up with family, indulging in the NFL playoffs, and sleeping about the same as usual. Basically, life continues as usual. No superpowers here. Other than the possible ability to fart a bunny from time to time.

I mentioned this detox at work last night. When people 20 years younger than you look shocked by your intent to torment yourself in such a way, it gives one pause to think. When said people look actually physically pained by the details of the detox, and the length of time of it, one thinks a bit more. This is the young, hip and healthy generation saying WTF??? (Of course, it is also the wussified generation of America in some respects, so perhaps this is not an accurate polling).

So, dear detox, despite my dislike and disdain for you at this time, nope, I’m NOT breaking up with you. I intermittently do this to myself because as a younger person, I did not tend to challenge myself personally enough; I found my comfort zone, stuck with it and lived in it. So now, as I get older and become more into challenging myself in many ways, I take this as an opportunity to prove to myself once again that I can do anything I set my mind to. So here I am, a third of the way through, and going strong.

But if you see me and I look hungry, you may want to stay out of my way ;)

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